Doctor Who Club of Australia

[Sulp Niar]

MYSTERY OF THE MISSING CELERY
It has come to our attention that someone has stolen an item of the Doctor's clothing. No, it is not his cricket hat, his cricket outfit, his cricket pants or his glasses (although they've curiously vanished too), but a stick of celery that the Doctor had pinned on his lapel.
"I was growing that celery," the Doctor blubbed today over the TARDIS controls. "His name was Pete. I was going to raise the celery civilisation." At this point in the interview, the Doctor's sobs made his voiced ramblings inaudible.
The Doctor has harboured this secret desire ever since he declared in his previous incarnation that he wanted a piece of cabbage as a companion. It's a very embarrassing affair for his companions. Misses Tegan Jovanka and Nyssa of Traken offer differing views on what happened to the celery.
"Rabbits!" declares Miss Jovanka. "Rabbits eat celery, and other vegies. It was probably some little cartoon rabbit like Peter Rabbit... Peter!" When asked to explain this latter outburst, she refused to answer.
Nyssa of Traken's outfit inspired her theory. "It's all very simple," she explains. "I was looking at my red outfit, and suddenly I realised that lately, our travels have been hampered by a constantly furious man whose face resembles a beetroot. I deduce that the celery gained a level of consciousness and joined its vegetable companion."
Speaking of vegetable companions, Mr Adric was unable to comment on the affair - according to Miss Jovanka, he has been "sleeping off a bit of binge eating at Cranleigh Hall. Cranleigh Hall - sounds a bit like Cranberry, doesn't it?" Miss Jovanka laughs. "I used to love those ads..."
Nyssa of Traken is bemused, but goes on to say, "Really, I don't see why the Doctor is putting up such a fuss over the celery anyway. I've asked him time and again why he wears it, but he refuses to answer me until, in his own words, 'I'm further in my tenure'."
Mr Adric did in fact emerge for questioning, but was too busy vomiting to answer our questions.
"You must have eaten something past its use by date," Miss Jovanka decided. "I wonder what it could be...?" And speaking of use by dates, we would like to offer our sincerest condolences to Mr Adric... er, soon.
More news as it comes in. If anyone wishes to donate a celery to the Doctor's cause, send a stick via the following address: Definitely Civilisation!, Who? Weekly, PO Blue Box 1982.


THE BIGGEST CYBERLOSER
"We will survive".
So said the Cybermen, many times. But it's become evident even to them that their track record in the 'win' department is sorely lacking. The Cyberleader has gruffly admitted on camera, "We've lost more times than Leeds." How the Cyberleader has knowledge of Earth football scores is currently under question.
Many of the Cybermen have been investigating the reason for their failure, and it turns out that they're simply not leading the healthiest of lifestyles. Cyberdoctorman Allan (we just gave him this name) tells us, "The Cybermen are supposed to be stronger than humans, but we've been known to die from many different causes all linked to unhealthy living, such as heart failure, and a strange disease known as Telosian Inertion, which reduces Cybermen to empty husks." Rather ironic, isn't it, considering that the Cybercontroller afflicted with this disease later went on to become, and I refer to your notes here, a 'fat barstard'?
Cyberdoctorman Allan nods. "The irony did not escape me - unlike the Doctor on numerous occasions. Yes, our Cybercontroller led an attack to prevent the initial destruction of Mondas in a rather fat form. I think perhaps all of the fat clogged his brain, because the plan didn't make sense. Anyway, he maintained that his larger belly and arse were designed to hold extra processing capability. Yeah, right. We found out the truth later, when we found large crates of Domino's pizza stashed in the Cryons' fridges."
The Cyberleader (let's call him David, for no real reason) who led the expedition to capture the Nemesis on Earth has lately redirected his scheming energies to a weight loss program. "Originally I thought we could just change our attire, have a new outfitting of sorts," Cyberleader David recalls. "We've gone through so many new suits - some with annoying side-effects such as allergies - and it was all getting a bit tedious. Plus, the guy who made us pose our outfits for inspection was just so camp... he reminded me of that Cyberleader I sent to destroy the Vogans, just to get him out of my handles."
So Cyberleader David came up with a new plan. "We decided that we should try a weight loss program. We wanted the best Earthling to help us with these matters, so we found ourselves hiding in those bloody sewers again. The first human we asked was Jenny Craig. Sadly, Cyber-instincts kicked in and it was all a bit of a cock-up."
He shows me a recording taken of the event.
The Cybermen march into the Jenny Craig outlet. A receptionist approaches them. "Can I help you?"
"We are seeking the human life form known as Jennny Craiiiig."
"She's not actually here at the moment... Would you like to leave a message?"
"A message? Such as 'We will destroy your planet'?"
"Yeah, if you like," the receptionist chews her gum nonchalantly.
The Cybermen consider for a second. "That will not be necessary. You are hiding the human known as Jennnny Craiiig. We must search this building. Search!"
The tape is fast forwarded by Cyberleader David at this point. "Nothing to see for a while," he explains. "It's all about as interesting as taking a course in Cyber f***ing History at school. Boy, was that confusing too..."
The tape is played again.
A woman who must be Jenny Craig is brought to the Cybermen. They look at her. "Identify yourself."
"You identify yourself!"
The Cyberman looks closely at the woman's chest.
"Get your eyes off me!"
"There." It points. "Your badge."
Cyberleader David shudders at some repressed memory.
"Your badge designates you as Jennny Craiiig. You will tell us the way to -"
"I will do nothing for you. Get out!"
"You have nothing to fear. We must -"
"Just piss off! I'm calling the coppers!"
"But -"
"PISS OFF!"
"You are making me feel emotions. Such as anger!"
"I don't give a f***! Get OUT!"
"That's it!" The lead Cyberman points. "Take her for processing."
"What? No!!" Jenny Craig is lifted by the Cybermen and taken out.
The lead Cyberman looks at the camera. "We must make sure our Cyberleader doesn't see this embarrassment. Delete the tape. Delete! Delete!"
The tape grinds to a halt, apparently undeleted. So did they convert her into a Cybermen? "You misunderstand the phrase 'processing'," Cyberleader David explains, "it actually refers to converting her into meat for us to eat." Cybermen eat meat regularly, do they? "Of course we do. We've been eating a lot of ham recently. I like ham in particular." Cyberleader David thrusts his fists into the air and roars, "It is EXCELLENT!"
Suddenly Cyberleader David's watch (he has a watch, yes) starts beeping and he looks at it. "We must hurry," he says, rising from his chair. "I will be able to show you our new program. We have found a human who is willing to help aliens diet effectively. She has offered her services to us. Come with us."
The weight loss program is held in a little blue box, with a sign on the top sprayed on in paint saying, WELCOME TO THE BUSH CAMPAIGN: THE WAR ON FLABBER! I hope that doesn't mean what I think it does. We enter.
Inside is a grand mahogany table set up around a groaning octagonal console. A scanner screen on the wall is switched on and portraying a food pyramid designed by the Ice Warriors. There are also numerous exercise bikes littered around the area. At the table sits the Cybermen, a beefy looking American bloke and a man in a multi-coloured coat. I later tell the man, known as the Doctor, that his coat should be sufficient to induce bulimia, reducing the time needed on this dieting program, but he grunts and waves me away.
As we enter, Cyberleader David swaggers over to the Doctor and declares loudly, "So... we eat again... Doctor!!"
The Doctor exasperatedly puffs out his cheeks. "Why are you doing this, Cyberleader?"
The Cyberleader sits down next to him. "You told us to enjoy well-prepared meals. We have taken up your offer."
Now the Doctor rolls his eyes. "I didn't mean for you to take it so seriously. God help the flowers and babies you attack next in your newfound self-improvement program..."
At this point the dietician emerges from the room, resplendent in a carrot costume. Or so I think - that's just how she normally looks. "Hello!" She says excitedly. "My name is Mel! And I'll be taking you for these classes."
"I don't need to be here, Mel," the Doctor mutters rather loudly.
"Sure you do, Doc. The Cyberleader isn't the only one who's been scoffing ham recently."
The Doctor merely huffs and puffs.
Mel pulls out a kettle. "First of all, I'll treat you all to a little drink. Anyone want coffee?"
"Coffee?!" the Doctor splutters. Mel shoves a coffee cup onto the table in front of him. "I'm not going to drink that abominable poison."
The American bloke suddenly stands up and shoves the cup into the Doctor's face. "Drink the coffee, Time Lord," he says coldly. After that, the Doctor happily drinks up, feigning smiles rather poorly. Then he spits it out.
"Ugh! This is carrot juice, carrot juice, carrot juice!"
The console manages to make a few vworping noises in the silence that follows.
"It's good for you, Doctor," Mel says sternly. The Cybermen start to snigger. "And you boys are going to be eating spinach!" The Cybermen stop sniggering, but don't speak out against her. When she loads the vegies onto their plates and returns to the kitchen, the Cybermen use the opportunity to feed their spinach to the Mats at their feet. When Mel comes back, they all do thumbs-up signs as if they had eaten it, and she beams. She clears her throat pointedly as she notices that the Doctor is trying to open a locked safe. He looks up at her, guiltily, as she snatches it from him.
"Wish I still had my sonic screwdriver," he mutters as she takes the biscuit safe out of the room.
"We should probably drink that carrot juice," a Cyberman mutters to Cyberleader David. When asked why, he continues, "Apparently they are good for your eyes."
"We do not need better eyes."
"You're joking, right? Remember the difficulty we had seeing anyone in the Death Zone?"
Cyberleader David is about to say something, but then an idea seems to strike him. "Of course... the Death Zone!" he whispers. "Remember? The Raston Warrior Robot caused us to vomit! Careful regulation of this and we will lose weight in no time! This is EXCELLENT!" The other Cybermen all look at him. "We are to leave immediately!" And with that, the Cybermen all march out.
"Goodbye then!" the Doctor waves, bemused. The American bloke leaves too. When Mel comes back in, she is evidently surprised at how few people remain.
"What's going on here? Doctor, did you discourage another bunch of aliens from my dieting program?"
"Now Mel, that is tish and posh -"
"You're always doing it!" A tear wells up in Mel's eye. "Last time I had those Nimon over for tea, and you told them to chase my hair! The time before that, the Sontarans, and you not only told them their brothers were in the chips but that my Caesar salad looked like a Rutan! Then there was that time I had those three bits of porridge for those lovely bears, one a bit hot, one a bit cold, and one just right, and you..." She sobs, then yells, "YOU STOLE MY BEARS!"
"Now listen, Mel..." the Doctor says worriedly, standing from his chair. I start to wonder why I'm still here, but this is intriguing enough.
"I've had enough of you ruining my plans, Doctor!"
"Plans?"
"Yes!" Mel whips off her red hair. It is a wig. She stands before the Doctor, revealed. "You have trifled my feeding experiments for too long. Now you are to DIEEEE!!!!" She slaps the Doctor on the cheek.
"But why? Why discern our feeding patterns?" The Doctor says, glaring at her. I still don't know who the newcomer is.
"Because you people eat too widely, and your breath stinks of garlic. You scare away all the vampires! I love the vampires! I want a relationship like that of the vampire lovers! Preferably with Carmilla!" The Doctor looks bemused as the woman masquerading as Mel laughs maniacally. "Yet I think I have found the perfect cure to bad breath!" She pulls out a bottle of Listerine and laughs again. "I have the mouth gargle! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!"
At which point I leave the blue box, having seen enough.
So what happened to the Doctor and his fake companion? To the dieting program? To the Cybermen and their constant attempts to take over the universe and lose a few pounds?
I don't know about the first two. I was going to find out about the third, but unfortunately when I gave Cyberleader David a little payment of trust before another interview, he screamed in pain and died. I wasn't welcomed to any Cyberparties from then on - including the one in the sewer under St Paul's and the blue room in a parallel Earth's factory.
So unfortunately that's all I can say at the moment about this topic. Yes, my article just fizzles out like that. I apologise. And yes, I know I'll get the sack for this. So goodbye.
Maybe I should think about working in human resources...

[Sulp Niar]

Just realised I forgot to write the gag about the Cybermen curiously enjoying ripping Gladwrap off food. Damn.

[The Red Robot]

Splendid way to spend your spare time as far as I’m concerned

[Sulp Niar]

It is!

Does this mean someone's actually bothered to read these? Your spare time is now officially more wasted than mine!

[The Red Robot]

Indeed it is
We Eat Again, Doctor !